This year, 2016, has really been a roller coaster for me.
It's been simultaneously my absolute best and absolute worst year of all I've had so far.
2016 started when I was a part of a big group of friends and was happier than ever with my best friends. Or at least that's what I felt like back then. Few months afterwards I realized that even though I had had so much fun with those amazing people during those ~3 years I had known them, it was bringing me down. With the help of my few closest friends and my psychologist, I realized I took way too much stress over everyone else's well being and happiness. My mental health was collapsing into ruins, because I wasn't the only one with mental health problems in that friend group, and I tend to take others' difficulties as a part of my own.
It had been going on for about the three years of knowing those people, and when I finally realized what it was doing to me, I decided to do something. I hadn't always felt the most welcome or wanted in that group although I adored every one of those people. It might have been true or it might have been just all inside my head, but that was the reason I had felt the need to leave that group for a few times before. But as the pieces were finally falling into their own places in my mind, I thought it might have come the time for me do it, at last.
I felt sad, but that feeling lasted surprisingly short amount of time. I felt like I had gotten rid of a giant barrier in my way to feeling good and free of negative thoughts. It felt like a new, clean page - as ridiculously cliche as it sounds.
After that I found a support group for LGBTQ+ people and decided to give it a try. And it was absolutely worth it. I also "re-found" an "old friend" (that sounds so weird) and started hanging out with her, along with my two closest friends who had also been in that bigger group of friends, and I've known for a longer time. Those two were the ones who helped me realize why I had to stop hanging out with some people. Now we have a tiny, four people group, and I can proudly announce them as my greatest friends. ♥ I absolutely adore you three.
I also found some completely new friends and I feel really great with these people, which I'm really grateful for.
On summer vacation I was busier than ever before, but I was surprised of how much I actually enjoyed it. First I had, like, a week of pure relaxation and then I worked in a shop for two weeks. It was my first time having a summer job (not sure if it translates like this, but you get the point) and I'm really happy I applied and got the place! Only after a couple of days my two week job had ended, I flew to England. I had outdone myself and signed myself in a language course of EF. For three truly amazing weeks I studied in Brighton, Falmer Campus and got to know many great people all around Europe. I had my problems with the campus' kitchen staff, because they didn't entirely understand the seriousness of my coeliac disease. But after me and the few other celiacs somehow managed to make it clear for them that our gluten free diets are very strict for a reason, everything seemed to become clearer and better.
After the three weeks in the beautiful (and surprisingly sunny) England me and my tiny group of other Finns headed to France. We had signed ourselves to the two night trip to Paris. Paris was absolutely beautiful, but unfortunately I was sick most of the time there, so I totally missed visiting the Eiffel Tower and some other amazing places. That's why I've decided I'll visit Paris again as soon as I possibly can! ♥ It may take some years, but I have forever fallen in love with that city.
The language course was really lovely, but of course it had to come to an end, as most things do. I am forever grateful for the people I met there and who made those three weeks so absolutely great, love you all. But the most grateful I am for my parents, of course, because they were the ones to pay the majority of the course!
When I came home, to the lovely Finland, I just ate all the gluten free bread and cookies and muffins and everything I possibly could. :D That is another thing I learned to appreciate even more than before in my home country: pretty much every grocery store and cafe has something for me too. ♥
Then, as soon as I possibly could, I arranged a meeting with my friends. They were the part I missed the most in my summer. The few weeks left before the starting of a new school year, I spent with my friends and family. They mean more to me than I'm able to show, but I sure as hell keep trying.
Then the school eventually started. I had missed it and I had been bloody afraid of it. School is one big reason for my mental health problems to be so... problematic. I might explain the Finnish school system better some other time, but for now, I'll just say I'm a high school student. Anyway, my fears for the end of vacation were justified: during the first month or so, I once again felt like the world would be better off without me. I've never thought of actually killing myself, but I can assure you, I wouldn't want to personally know that feeling, since it's painful and difficult enough for me to just keep telling myself I'm important and there are people who love me and care for me. And to those people I am forever in debt, because they've helped me a lot. I haven't thought of doing anything to myself, but I surely do feel that I should. And it's not nice at all, let me tell you.
Those feelings went away as swiftly as they had come and I kept failing courses after courses, but at least I went to school - that was an achievement enough for me at the time.
The less there was left of 2016, the less I stressed. And then the vacation was here. Finally. But then I realized the vacation wasn't going to be just chilling this time. I was supposed to move to another room in our house. It had been my idea, because I needed something new to make myself feel more comfortable home. I had actually thought of moving on my own, but I decided it wouldn't be a good idea with my mental state and school. So the room swapping it was! It was really amazing to know, that I could soon have a new room and once again start with a clean state. It would be refreshing. But now that I'm supposed to start carrying my stuff in there, from my current room, it feels like a too big of a burden.
At this very moment I'm writing this, it's 21:07, the last day of 2016 and the whole neighborhood is flashing in beautiful colors of fireworks, and I'm supposed to carry not only my lazy ass but also some of my stuff to my future room. And it seems impossible. But I guess I'll do it anyway, because the start is always the worst and most difficult part for me. And as long as I'm able to keep doing that, I believe I'm able to get through my mental illness and find my way to accepting myself the way I am. It will take its time, of course, but I'm willing to give it a go. ★
I'm grateful for all the people I've met and who have helped me become me, even if it's been unpleasant at the time. Without you I wouldn't be here writing this the way I am right now.
I might not like you the most in the world and you might not like me the most in the world. You might love me and I might love you. But I've realized that without those I've met and known, I wouldn't be me.
Thank you all for the year 2016 and Happy New Year everyone!
